Inspiration

Over the Labor Day holiday weekend some friends and I went to my roommate’s parent’s cabin in Shaver Lake. First, Shaver Lake is about 45 minutes east of Fresno. Second, when I say cabin I really mean mansion. It was one of the most beautiful homes I have ever seen. Tammy, the lady of the house, intentionally thought of every little detail she put into that house. Anything a home could need was accounted or, even the basket of cleaning supplies she leaves in every bathroom and showers that are outfitted with matching shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. This attention to detail allows her guests to spend a carefree weekend worrying about nothing more than how they wanted to spend the next couple of hours. It was the perfect relaxing weekend; we went to the lake, I took naps in a hammock, and we ate ice cream from the local ice cream shop. I rested.

Shaver is a good three hours from where I live so my car mates and I listened to some really great music to and from the Daily cabin. We sang along with Brice Avery, grooved along with Fleetwood Mac, and contemplated the words of David Crowder. During those hours in the car I feel in love with my musical collection all over again. I wanted to hear more and more of it. I was so excited that on my drive into the office my first day back I grabbed a cd, rather than listening to NPR.

Now, this is the time for me to give a disclaimer about how much I love NPR. It’ll be quick, so bear with me. NPR has saved me over the last year. When I feel disconnected from the world around me, NPR helps me to know what is going on. When I have to make conversation with an awkward IT consultant, it provides topics of conversation. It helps me to feel informed about different parts of the world and it distracts me when I feel the need to pull my hair out of my head because I’m going 15 mph on the FREEWAY! Needles to say, it holds a special place in my heart.

Saying that, over the last year I have dived headfirst into my love for local public radio. It has been all that I listen to while driving to and from work. I even listen to it in the evening because there is always an interesting program to hear. I became so devoted to NPR that I disconnected from the music I love so much. I don’t want to make it seem as though I am being overly dramatic in describing my relationship with my music, but music is a very powerful thing. People choose music that correlates with their mood and then apply the lyrics to their own lives. Couples spend hours, days, or weeks deciding what song perfectly reflects their love for one another. And people will choose a song to represent various stages of their life. Music is so intertwined in human existence that we cannot ignore its connection.

I hadn’t realized the size of the hole that was left from the lack of listening until it was re-introduced into my daily commute. Over the last two weeks I have soaked in every lyric I can get my hands on, having a cd playing in my car constantly. I haven’t listened to NPR for over an hour in the last two weeks, and this is a big deal considering I spend almost two hours in my car everyday. One album that has experienced more speaker time than others has been “Of Men and Angels” by The Rocket Summer. The Rocket Summer (TRS) is a band my husband introduced to me while we were dating and that I have followed every since. Over the last seven years Brice Avery’s musical transformation has been apparent in his music. Each album is similar to the one before it, but its style varies enough to where my untrained ear can spot the difference. His lyrics are honest, transparent, and real; he has an ability to connect with his audience in a very humble way. In his latest album his sings of passions and pursuing what he loves to do. This has been inspiring.

Settling into a 9-6 job has been difficult for me, to say the least. I feel as though I am missing out on my life and what the world has to offer. I am terrified that I am going to wake up when I’m 30 and regret that I never took advantage of my youth and really pursued what I cared about. Identifying my passions and how to pursue them is a completely separate post, but it is still a fear I carry with me daily. Not all hope is lost; I have been rejuvenated over the last two weeks. Listening to Brice’s struggles, fears, and courage to step out in faith has inspired me to do the same. I am no longer feeling as though I am trapped, but rather that my daily routine is a means to an end. Don’t get me wrong, I am so fortunate to have a job and to be able to have freedoms this job provides. For example, I have fun things planned for every single Saturday during the months of September and October. If I had an unconventional job, I would not be able to take those Saturdays off. I have evenings free to read, write, paint, go on dates with my husband, or veg out with my roommates.

This newfound inspiration is still new and I am still trying to form my ideas into actions. I don’t have all of my ideas ironed out, but I do have ideas. There are days where I feel trapped, but I have hope that these feelings are only temporary.

Simplicity

Over the weekend Robbie and I attended a friend’s wedding. Let me just say, it was one of the sweetest, most sincere weddings I have ever been to. I’ll admit I cried, quite a few times, throughout the ceremony. The bride was a girl I went to high school with and whose little brother is a good friend of my husband’s. She has always been the kind of person who stands up for what she believes in, and doesn’t really care too much about how others view her. Well, she may care, but she doesn’t allow their judgments to interfere with how she has decided to live her life. She is also very mindful of others, and does not force ideas down people’s throats. She is genuine.

The couple decided that as their first act of marriage they would wash one another’s feet, just as Jesus did for his disciples. At first I thought, “how strange”, but as they were washing one another’s feet the beauty and humility of their relationship, and love for one another became so evident. As a guest, you could really feel their devotion to each other.

During the ceremony, the Pastor gave the couple 3 pieces of advice; one of which really resonated with me. He told them to live simply; because when you live simply you can find joy in the smallest of things. I took this piece of advice, not just for my own marriage (although it wouldn’t hurt), but also for my everyday life. Too often, I create lofty, complex expectations that always leave me desiring more. For example, I graduated college believing I should get a great job, doing exactly what I love, paying me great money, all in a matter of weeks. This has lead to disappointment in my job. The disappointment does not stem from the job itself, rather from my attitude toward it. Let me explain further…

In all honesty, I hope that I am not in the same position for the rest of my career. I want to be challenged, I want to progress, I want to evolve. If I approach my job with an attitude of simplicity, then I can find joy in knowing that every task, every responsibility leads me one step closer to reaching the point of personal success and gratification. When I choose simplicity, then I can find joy in the fact that I have a job when many people are without.

Not only did I drive away from the wedding feeling a sweetness for love, I left with an internal challenge to think about my expectations differently. I am grateful for the advice the Pastor passed along to Mark, Elise, and all of their guests; too bad I only remember one!

Half Moon Bay

Today Robbie and I celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary. It has been a wonder four years full of laughter, growth, and love. He was my best friend on the day we were married and he has grown to be so much more than that today. In celebration of our time together, we decided to spend the weekend in Half Moon Bay. Neither of us had ever been to Half Moon Bay (HMB), so we were excited to experience a new adventure. One of my co-workers, Elaina, has family that owns a restaurant right in the middle of downtown, so I knew that she would be the one to talk to. She recommended that we stay at the Half Moon Bay Inn, and it couldn’t have been a better choice. Robbie and I love unique local hotels that offer more than a chain can provide. This hotel was just that. Our room was titled the “Renaissance Queen” and it was beautifully decorated with romantic touches of a Renaissance era. We had the corner room, so two of our four walls were lined with windows and plantation shutters. The hotel’s character was found in even the simplest forms, such as our toilet paper rolled into a rose.

The point of our weekend was to relax. We spent a lot of time in the town, walking around browsing shops, and just enjoying the atmosphere. My parents had gotten Robbie and I a gift certificate for a great Italian restaurant named, it’s Italia! We could not be more pleased with the service and food we received. We sat at this amazing table in the corner of the back patio, right next to a fireplace; the fireplace was perfect because Half Moon Bay can get chilly at night. To kick off the evening, we started with a caprese appetizer. I had forgotten how delicious that plate is! Taking my first bite flooded my mind with memories of Italy and the amazing food adventures we experienced last summer. Next I moved on the prawns, linguine, and tomato cream sauce that was so tasty that I could not restrain myself. After dinner I was not compelled to by pass dessert, so I ordered the tiramisu and a hot chocolate. Needless to say, I was stuffed but elated.

We were able to spend the Fourth of July in HMB and watch the local parade. It was pretty full of cheese, but it was really fun to see the locals so involved. We also drove to Pacifica to see the fog, but were disappointed to find out that we drove there on one of the two days a year it’s not foggy. The California coastline was incredible; the ocean was bluer than I have ever seen it. After our drive we came back to the hotel and took naps. It was wonderful! I can’t remember the last time I had a nap, let alone not holding feelings guilt for it. Later that night we stumbled upon The Cocktail Monkeys at the local bar and grill. They put on quite a show and the crowd of cougars were loving it. I even impressed Robbie with the amount of lyrics I could recite from AC/DC’s, “You Shook Me All Night Long”.

Overall, the weekend was fabulous. I could not have asked for a better time with a better person. Robbie and I are at a time in our careers where we have opposing work schedules, so being able to spend so much time together is irreplaceable. He is a man that has challenged me to think outside the box and become a better person; he has made me want to pull my hair out with his crazy ideas; and he has taught me to love deeper than I could have ever imagined before. Half Moon Bay will forever hold a special place in my heart.

Running

Over the last few weeks my husband, Robbie, has been running on almost a daily basis. He has had a burst of motivation and hasn’t looked back. Last night he ran nearly 4 miles! Now, this may sound amateur to some of you, but it sounds inconceivable to me. I have never enjoyed running. I was the kid in PE that never ran a mile in less than ten minutes, and I would purposely walk the maximum amount before I got in trouble. As Robbie dives head first into the world of running, he provides me tidbits here and there on how to make my running experience more enjoyable so that I do it more often.

One idea Robbie uses to entice me to continue is that the more I run the more I will push through the burning lungs and nausea, and plateau at heavy breathing. I know it’s sounds appealing, but it doesn’t motivate me to actual begin running. His personal drive has been more motivating than the possibility that I will eventually get good at it. Another attempt at getting me started is that I will have time to contemplate my day and the thoughts I am mulling over. This sounds appealing. I feel like I don’t have enough hours in the day, so mutli-tasking and being able to think about my thoughts while working out is sure to be guilt-free. Plus, the monologues in movies during running scenes are so compelling. The only problem with this plan is that while I am running, I am solely concentrating on pushing through my discomfort. I have to identify a location in the distance and assure myself I will get a break at that point. Solving complex life issues is the last thing on my mind while I’m concentrating on my breathing.

Although I don’t enjoy running, I have been making an effort to try. My hope is that I will be able to enjoy it at least a little bit so that I can use it as a release. My first breakthrough came 2 nights ago. Robbie and I had a heavy conversation that left me feeling hopeless, frustrated, and discouraged. I decided to go for a run afterward and I found comfort in my steps. I ran further than I have, stopping less than I normally do. I’m not sure if the adrenaline was pushing me, or if I was actually reaching a plateau, but I will admit that it brought relief. Running just over a mile allowed me to release the tension I felt at the kitchen table, it helped me realize my frustration was just a battle I needed to overcome.

A Rose Among the Ashes

As I am re-evaluating my life on a daily basis, I try to identify positive outcomes that stem from my surroundings. To be less vague, I am trying to evaluate positive aspects that come from a job I am not currently enjoying. One huge benefit I discovered over the weekend is that working at a job I am not passionate about has made me a better youth leader. Let me provide you with some background and explanation.

For the past 7 years my husband has been working with and mentoring at risk youth. About 4 years ago I become involved, and I have not looked back since. These kids are amazing and I warn all new volunteers that you can’t help but fall in love. Every Saturday I spend two hours with a group of high school girls and have the opportunity to listen to what is going on in their lives. We mentor through an organization called, “Friends of Farm Drive Neighborhood Center”. It acts as a local community center and provides after school homework help, preschool classes, and food assistance once a month. It is funded by a local church and has been involved in the neighborhood for over 20 years. Besides the usual offerings the center provides, we also take the kids on day trips throughout the Bay Area (i.e. visiting Alcatraz) or weekend long trips (i.e. camping or the snow). It is an amazing opportunity to encourage the kids and open their worlds to something bigger than they could have imagined.

This past weekend we took the kids camping at Memorial State Park in San Mateo County. We had so much fun camping, hiking, creek walking, and eating too much food. As I was lying on the ground Friday night, I realized I was having much more fun than the year before. I was enjoying the kids more, I was laughing harder at the quirky habits being exercised, and I was not trying to micro-manage the kids as I normally would. I feel like this was happening because I was actually enjoying my time. I wasn’t worried about where else I could be, or what other tasks I could be completing; the kids were my priority and I wasn’t going to worry about how many s’mores each kid ate. I was living in the moment.

About a year ago, I listened to a podcast by a Pastor named Rob Bell. Many people know him by the Nooma videos he creates, but he also has a church he leads on a weekly basis. In his podcast he was describing the importance of maintaining a Sabbath and being present in every moment of every day. This idea resonates with me particularly because I hold anxiety about the possibilities the future will bring, and this anxiety tends to distract me from appreciating the moment I am living in at the time. I don’t want life to pass me by, and living in anxiety, fear, or worry will take my moments away. I have to constant remind myself that I cannot forget the moment I am living in so that I can stress about the possibility of something happening down the road.

This reminder is exactly what made me a better camp leader over the weekend. I wasn’t stressing about what the kids might do, I was enjoying what they were doing. Although I may not love what I’m doing, that lack of passion is motivating me to really cherish the time I have outside of work. As it is with most people, I am not at all perfect, but I am a work in progress.

Transition

As is mentioned in my brief bio found to the right of my page, I am a recent college graduate. It took me five years to complete a Bachelors degree, and for the first time in 19 years I am not a student. I am in a gray area of life where something enormous has come to an end, while something much larger awaits. Both experiences overlap one another and leave me in the transition of life known as "entering the real world".

Six months ago, a great IT consulting firm decided to let an intern enter their office and learn from their employees. This is when my relationship with T began. T (I've chosen to exclude the company's full name) is great and will probably be referred to often. It is a fast-paced, challenging environment where expectations run high. I have been stretched in new ways and pushed to think much more critically than school could ever teach me. Although it is the perfect environment for corporate experience, I'm not sure I want to live in a corporate world. I realize I don't "live" at work, but I am there at least 40 hours a week; I spend 2/3 of my awake time in a cubicle looking at a computer screen. This is not a future I had imagined for myself.
I've decided to create this blog because I am facing a time in my life where all of my expectations are shifting; optimism is fading and disappointment is taking charge. I am writing because I don't know how to handle all that is before me. I don't want this to be a bitter rant where I have free reign to complain about anything and everything. I want this to be a place of process, a place of challenge, and a place of hope. I write not so I become a Bitter Blogger, but so that I can hold on to the optimism and excitement that propelled me through 19 years of education.