The Grief That Follows Cancer

Do you read QuietLikeHorses? If not, you should. It is so beautifully written and raw. My dear friend, Sobrina, writes about the beauty and inspiration life throws our way, as well as the heartbreaking sadness that life thrusts into our lives.

Sobrina lost her husband, Alan, just over two months ago. They are both dear friends of mine and I have been processing his death alongside her. In absolutely no way am I living through it in the same way (honestly, I cannot imagine what the tremendous grief she is experiencing must feel like), but I am doing my best to love and support her, while allowing her to really experience her sadness. As much as I want to take her pain away and "fix" this for her, I cannot.

I've been trying to read as much as I can about the grieving process in hopes of being a better support to my friend. I came across an article written for the New York Times by David Brooks. In it, he describes lessons that can be learned by one family's trauma. The part that really stuck out to me was when he talked about the difference between people who are fire fighters and builders in a time of tragedy. "Firefighters drop everything and arrive at the moment of crisis. Builders are there for years and years, walking alongside as the victims live out in the world... Be a builder."

I've been wrestling with this idea for the last few weeks. I think I make a great fire fighter for the people around me. I know how to be sensitive to needs in crisis situations, I am not afraid to step up when people can't find it in themselves to make decisions, and I'm not afraid to be a buffer for awkward conversations or relaying messages. Doing this allows me a tangible way to support someone I love. But am I builder? Do I have it in me? I sure hope so.

It's not a new thing for me to live life next to people; we've modeled our church community in that way for the last several years. However, I've never had to see a friend through this kind of tragedy. It's not that I'm finding myself tempted to run away from this kind of commitment, I'm afraid I won't be good at it. How do you know what to say? Is there ever a "right" thing to say? "No. Because nothing you say can bring Alan back. You just need to be present and love Sobrina in that presence."

Those are the words a dear friend, and mentor, provided when I expressed my doubts. She's right. There's nothing I can do to take away her pain, speed up her process, or bring Alan back. That's scary. It's scary to think about helping my friend in a way that is so unfamiliar and undefined. Do I know what I'm doing? No. All I can do is love my friend and not be afraid of what Alan's memory brings.

Man, I sure do miss my friend though.

(Photo of Alan by QuietLikeHorses)

Can't Let Go

Hello. It's been a while; I realize that. When friends ask why I haven't written anything in months, I describe my feelings around this blogging break as a "divorce" from the blogging world. I haven't written a post, I haven't been reading other blogs (regularly), I haven't been checking out my stats, nothing. Yes, my break was sudden and fairly extreme, but I'm not sure that I can call it a divorce. A divorce is ugly, painful, and final. While I experienced disappointment and frustration I'm not ready to say that I am done forever.

What does this mean? Who knows! I sure don't. I'm not ready to commit to updating regularly and I still have no idea what my "niche" would be. Maybe I do need to throw in the towel and say goodbye.

I'll think about some things and keep you posted. ;)

Motherhood Guilt

Motherhood guilt has already started to settle in for me. I feel like I haven’t been documenting my pregnancy enough. I have a personal journal that I have (inconsistently) been writing notes and experiences in, but I feel like it’s not enough. There’s no week-by-week record of how my body is changing or how I am feeling. A part of me really wants to have that, but another part of me realizes that that is just not who I am (remember the sunrise example).

I also have this weird hesitation about being classified as a “mommy blogger”. I think being a mom automatically places me in this amazing group of women who have lead the way before me. However, I also realize that there are tons of women who are not yet in that season of life, or desperately want to be but haven’t had the opportunity. I have been reluctant to post motherhood-focused topics because I don’t want to isolate those without children.

I hear that this penchant for guilt only continues as your children grow. One unfortunate quote that someone said to me was, “A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child”. What a bummer that is! However, I completely understand where that comes from. My child is not even in this world yet and I already want what is best for him; I can only imagine what it will be once he is actually here, making life-altering decisions.

How do you deal with guilt (of any kind)? What do you think about “mommy bloggers”?

My Trouble with Blogging

It's obvious that I haven't been posting much here on the blog. There are many reasons for that (some of which I've already shared):

• Lack of motivation 
• Lack of support 
• Unclear vision 
• Guilt 

Today I want share some of my thoughts and feelings on my lack of motivation and support. 

Blogging can be a tricky world because the blogging community has built a reputation as being super friendly and supportive, but it's really hard to break into that community. Sure, there are bloggers all over the world who are friends with one another but it’s almost as though they’ve reached their friend capacity.

Maybe it's me, maybe I'm not participating in the community with a genuine blog focused attitude. I mean, I love to read blogs, but many of them are already well established and successful in the field. Becoming friends with me doesn't necessarily matter because they've already made a name for themselves, have thousands of followers, and created a trusted circle of creatives around them. 

This leads me to the question, should I be searching for more up and coming, unknown blogs out there? Yes, I definitely should. But where to start? How do I find them? Do I do random topic searches? Should I look to see who other blogs are linking to? How do people find me? A person only has so many hours in a day to focus on so many people and posts. 

When Vine came out (a new social media platform), Bri Emery of Designlovefest said that she wanted to try it, but when you add a new platform a previous one suffers. I think that this is also true of the blogs you read. I think people reach a capacity for how much they can read and take in. When they find a new blog to follow, it usually distracts them from a previous one.

Finally, I wonder if blogging is on the way out. When you’re in the blogging community, it is huge. When you’re outside of it (or trying to tell friends and family about it), it is actually feels pretty tiny. If it is running it’s course, then what will take it’s place? What platform or tool will take it’s place?

I feel a little bit like a negative nancy with this post. This community needs positivity and encouragement, and my goal is not to take away from that. I’ve been in a blogging slump and I’m trying to figure out if I should throw in the towel or work through this time in order to come out on the other side.

Baking Bread - Help!

I've decided I would like to venture into the world of bread baking. I've never done it before and, quite frankly, the idea intimidates me. I think I'm nervous because so much precision is required. What if I put too much water in? Or don't knead the dough long enough? Ugh, these are all questions that have kept me out of the game until now.



I have faced intimidation before (it took me weeks to get over the idea of roasting tomatoes), but I can't let it stop me anymore. As I mentioned last week, preparing different meals more regularly has really helped me feel more confident, even when I mess up. It's with this new found confidence that I'll be trying something new, but I would still LOVE your tips, suggestions, recommendations, or warnings. :)

(Photos from Quiet Like Horses. Sobrina makes bread making look like nothing! Check out her recipes here)

The News!

Do I look bloated in the picture above? Well, I'm not! I'm pregnant!!!

Rob and I are beyond stoked for our sweet potato-sized lovie, set to arrive in July. I am currently 18 weeks pregnant (about 4 months) and I feel great. Sometimes I still can't believe that it's happening, and sometimes I'm even afraid of what my life is going to be like once the baby is born. Maybe that's a part of the reason you're pregnant for 9 months? To get used to the idea? Who knows!

What has been really amazing for me is to see how quickly my body began changing to prepare for this little life. Almost right away, I noticed subtle changes in how my body carried itself and how I was feeling (mainly exhausted). It really is incredible what our bodies can do.

As my pregnancy progresses, expect some updates on here. I haven't been posting regularly (which is obvious), so I don't want to commit to daily posts. Saying that, I do want some kind of record of my experience to share with my kidlet later on in life.

So, be sure to stop by!

(Photo taken by Daniel Garcia at 14 weeks) 

It's My Birthday!

I don't normally brag, but Toot Toot! It's my birthday! I'm 26 years old today and I don't feel any different. Actually, as I write this I'm fighting a cold and feeling a little groggy. Ha!

As for as today's plans, Rob is taking me to dinner tonight. I haven't decided where I want to go yet. Do you have any recommendations for the San Jose area? What do you like to do to celebrate your birthday? Do you have any bday traditions?

p.s. I'm stoked to spend another year of my life with this dude. He's the best. 

(Photo taken in Sweden in 2012)

New Year, No Resolutions

I don't like making New Year's resolutions. I never really have and I doubt that I ever will. I feel like when you make resolutions at the start of the year you feel so guilty and stressed if you haven't completed them by the end of the year. That pressure is what makes me dislike New Year's in general. I hate feeling like I need to "ring in the new year right!" or "finish the old year strong!" What if I just want to stay in my comfy clothes, watch a movie, and go to bed early? Does that mean that the following year is going to stink? Nope.

I don't want to seem like a complete scrooge. We do hang with friends, and we always have a good time. For example, last night we hung with a bunch of people for a fondue/ game night. I took on that Beer Cheddar cheese fondue and had no regrets. :) I just don't want to feel like the significance of an entire year rests on the shoulders of one night. If Rob and I don't have the perfect kiss, then that doesn't mean our marriage will be rocky, it just means that we missed the mark at that moment. If I don't have a killer party, it doesn't mean that the year is going to suck. It just means that it wasn't my best night.

I don't know, maybe I am just scroogy. How do you feel about New Year's and New Year's Eve?

(Photo taken at our friend's fondue/ game night last night)

An Inadvertent Blogging Break

You may have noticed that things have been a bit quiet here the last couple of weeks. It turns out that I took a little bit of a blogging break. The holidays came up and there was lots to do, and I just let time slip away. This happened to me last year, so I think I should better prepare next time. :)

I've also been using this break to think about the purpose of my blog and what I hope to accomplish with it. I began posting as a creative outlet from my 9-5 and as a place to express ideas I was wrestling with (anyone remember my turmoil over grad school?). I've been blogging for over a year now, but I feel like I need to have a clearer focus if I'm going to move forward. I don't want to post everyday out of obsessive-compulsive tendencies or guilt; I want it to be purposeful. Here is some of what I've been thinking about:

• What do I want my blog to focus on (travel, life, design, food, anything and everything, etc.)? 
• What do I want my blog to accomplish?
• Do I want it to continue to be a creative outlet or do I want it to assist my career in some way?
• What steps do I need to take to reach those goals? 
• Is my blog continuing to be something that is fruitful and productive in my life or is it distracting me from other areas and relationships?   

Where will this introspection lead? I'm not sure, but I'll keep you posted. 

(Photo taken in Florence, Italy, 2012)

p.s. Have a happy and safe New Year! 

Excitement + Anxiety

Guys, this week has been a crazy mix of excitement and anxiety. I'm excited because I've made some great progress on a personal project, but so anxiety ridden because I have looming deadlines that need attention. For example, I haven't purchased a single Christmas gift. Eekkk! I have less than 12 days to make that happen and I'm trying to be budget conscious this year. Any recommendations? I would LOVE to hear some. Mix that in with Content deadlines and holiday festivities, and we have ourselves a great (read: sweat inducing) time!

Back to the excitement. Although my poor time management has made me sweaty, it really is a great time of year. Pretty white lights everywhere, people put a priority on spending time with one another, and good food as the centerpiece at every function. I'm absolutely thrilled that my best friend will be home in just over a week, and I'm loving the fact that Christmas carols are being sung everywhere. These are the things I need to remember as I'm worrying about a long list of to-dos.

(Photo take at DisneyWorld last Christmas)

Forget Me, Not!

No, I haven't forgotten about this wonderful place I like to call my blog. I had a couple of last minute deadlines come up and had to push those into priority. I appreciate your understanding and am excited for some posts I have lined up for next week. I hope you had a rad Thursday and I leave you with this...



Because who doesn't love a heartbroken, beach blonde George Michael? (his face at 1:57 is a real gem)

p.s. I love that his love interest is a brunette!

A Relaxing Weekender

What kind of weekender are you? Do you like to relax the whole time, catch up on your to-do list, or pack your days full of activities? Rob and I usually pack our weekends full of activities, but I'm finding myself becoming more and more of a relaxer (or at least wanting to be one). It's like the weekend rolls around (especially Sundays) and I just want to chill, watch some Rick Steves, and hang with my loves (Rob + Zoey). As I prepare to start work on Monday, my mind starts racing with blog post ideas, a game plan to tackle my weekly to-do list, and so many other things that would make me a better/ more organized person. :)

I struggle with feeling like I should have done more, while enjoying my time of rest. Rationally, I know it makes sense to enjoy a time to relax, but the guilt still tries to creep in. Isn't it in our culture to always feel like we should do more? How do we kick that? I imagine it takes practice and confidence in our decision making, because if we are confident in our decisions, then we won't second guess ourselves.

How do you relax guilt-free? Or are you unable to as well? 
(Photo taken at Castle Rock State Park in 2009)

Happy Thanksgiving!

I wish you and your loved ones a beautiful day to enjoy each other's company and reflect on the blessings in your life. Eat lots of carbs, take a nap, and enjoy the people around you!

Happy Thanksgiving! 

Happy Birthday, Rob!

Oh man, did I score a winner or what?! You are by far my favorite person on this Earth and I am so gratefule to call you mine. You've continued to push me to be a better person and make me laugh harder than anyone around. Thank you for your enduring love. I am so excited to take on new, crazy adventures with you!

Happy Birthday!

(Photo taken in Prague in 2012)

Election Day!

Today is election day here in the U.S! We vote for the president of the United States, as well as other local government officials, propositions, and measures. This is a fun day for our citizens and I enjoy being a quiet voter. What I mean is that I  like to vote, I just don't like to tell everyone who or what I am voting for. I've been conditioned to avoid having those conversations and discussions publicly. Is that a good thing? I think it is.

I think that people have become bold by the anonymity of the internet and replace face-to-face conversation with status updates and tweets. If you have a Facebook account, I'm sure you've seen plenty of friends expressing their viewpoints on a range of issues. I'm all for people exercising their freedom of speech, however, if you are striving for a meaningful dialogue on the issue, I don't think that is an appropriate forum to conduct it. With politics, religion, or any other personal topics, I believe you need to have a trusting relationship with your audience in order to have a productive conversation on the topic. That's why bull-horn guys on street corners don't work; they don't have any legitimacy in the lives of the people they are condemning.

I think the same goes for social media rants. Yes, these people are technically your "friends", but how many of them do you have a close enough relationship with to have an honest conversation? Where you are willing to listen? I'm sure you have some (as I know I do), but I am not comfortable having these kinds of conversations with the few hundred other "friends" from behind a computer screen. I'd rather be able to read their body language, hear their tone of voice, and take note of any awkward tension. I realize that it is a lot less convenient, but most productive things are.

What are your thoughts? Do you think social media is the right platform to stir conversations? I'd love to hear (and I'll still love you no matter your answer :)!

"I Voted" sticker from Made in a Free World

The Juicing Chronicles Pt.2

Hello friends! I wanted to give you an update on my little world of juicing. I have to admit that I kind of fell off of the wagon for a bit, and even stopped juicing for a few weeks. Then, I finally watched the documentary, Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead, and it jump started my desire to juice (I totally recommend watching it, it's really good). I've been juicing consistently, but am not letting myself feel guilty if I miss a morning.

I've realized that I really enjoy making natural juices from fresh fruits and vegetables. Last night I was able to share some of my favorite recipes with some girlfriends, and it was so much fun! If you're interested in starting out, here are some of my recommendations and things that I've learned:

• Apples and oranges make great bases for juice; their flavors are not too strong, but they produce a lot of juice
• Carrots will sweeten the flavor of any juice you make (read: it's great to add with bitter veggies)
• Spinach is a great vegetable to juice because it's flavor is hidden so well 
• Don't be afraid to use all kinds of veggies (spinach, kale, asparagus, zucchini, cucumber, etc.), the darker the better!

Also, here are some of my favorite combinations:

• 1 apple + 1 orange + boatloads of spinach + 1 carrot + 3 strawberries 
• 3 oranges + a hearty handful of spinach
• 1 beet + 7-8 strawberries + spinach (always use a lot :) + 1 carrot
• 1 carrot + 2 apples + spinach + kale + 3 asparagus stalks 

And a juice that feels more like a dessert:

• 1 peach + 1 nectarine + 1 apple + 1 carrot + spinach + a few strawberries

I continue to learn as I go, and it's just a matter of finding the flavors you like best. I, personally, have been feeling convicted to use more vegetables in order to increase the amount of nutrients I am getting, but I think you should start with whatever you like best.

Have you ever tried juicing? Do you have any recommendations from your experience? 

Happy (Belated) Blog Birthday!

September marked the one-year anniversary from when I decided to start taking my blog a little bit more seriously, and made a commitment to post everyday. It was definitely a challenge, but I am proud to say that I've (mostly) completed it. ;)

It's been fun to look back at some of my old posts and remember what was going on during that time in my life. Whether it was deciding to continue with grad school or not, or sharing my travel fantasies, I've had fun opening up a part of my life on this blog. Some of my favorite posts have included:

• Awkward Family Photos
• Berlin, Germany - Europe Trip 2012
• Ireland 2011
• Airport Playlist
• No Spending Challenge

When did you start reading? Do you have a favorite post? 

Thank you for being a part of my life and journey through the blogosphere! :)

What Do You Want to Be?

One of the bloggers I read, Sharon Beesley, just landed a pretty sweet gig at Elizabeth Street (congratulations!) and shared her experience getting to this point. Here is a quick snippet of her post:

PS Jordan Ferney took the above picture of me when I was in Paris a few years ago. One night she asked me what I wanted to be. I told her I really wanted to be a writer. Her response was something like, "You want to be a writer? Great! Call yourself a writer when people ask you what you do. Put it as your occupation on Facebook. There. Now you're a writer." She's the best at going after what she wants without making excuses. I love that about her. She's right--calling myself a writer actually turned me into a writer. This theory doesn't exactly fly for someone who wants to be a brain surgeon, but it works for most other things. What do you want to be? A runner? An artist? A baker? Consider yourself one and watch what happens!

This idea got me thinking about what I would call myself. Right now, I would call myself a manicurist and magazine contributor (because that is what I am doing), but is that what I really want to call myself? To be honest, I'm not sure. I feel more content now than I have for months and I am so grateful for the place I am in. I love my internship and I love the personal interaction I get from being in the salon, but I have zero thoughts for the future. 

Will I stay in the salon long term? Will the magazine take off? Who knows! All I know is that I am ok with where life is right now. I'm not anxiously awaiting the next season or frustrated that I haven't moved onto a new phase; I'm happy. I do like Jordan's advice (and I think that it can be very freeing), but I'm ok with not knowing what my title is yet. 

Do you know what do you want to be? 

Back in the Saddle!

Earlier this week, I shared with you my awesome new job opportunity. I also wanted to share with you another aspect of my new chapter: nails! During college, I worked as a manicurist at a great salon called Los Gatos Nailworks. The salon has been open for over 20 years, it is full of talented women, and is right in the heart of Los Gatos, CA. As I begin my new transition, I have decided to head back into the salon for a few days a week (Wed - Sat) and am really excited about the opportunity.

I started taking clients yesterday and it is as though I never left; my muscle memory kicked in and I felt right at home. Sure, I'll need to take some time to re-build my business since I left to join the corporate world, but that's expected. I'm really looking forward to meeting new people, re-connecting with old clients, and enjoying the flexibility of being my own boss!

If you're interested in coming in for a service (manicure or pedicure), please do! I'd love to spend some time with you. You can call the salon directly (408-354-6245) and ask for an appointment with Stacy. :)

Have a great weekend! 

Looks Like Summer Decided To Hang Out For a Bit

Remember when I said that Summer was almost over? Well, that sure backfired. It has been absolutely hot as blazes here. I'm talking almost 100 degrees! In October! Yuck! I know this sounds completely hypocritical since I was so bummed about it ending just a week ago, but I have a small window of tolerance for heat. I sit comfortably between 65-77 degrees; anything above 82 and I start to wilt like a fragile flower in July. To make matters worse, my awesome car only has organic air conditioning (read: my AC doesn't work and I have to roll with the windows down!) + I live in an area with LOTS of slow moving traffic. Ugh.

Welp, enough with this pity party, I've got to go stand in front of the fridge! 

P.S. While this photo is plenty embarrassing, I feel it accurately represents my wilted flower analogy. Look at that flushed skin and drooping eyes. I melt (and not in the "that baby is so cute" or "Ryan Reynolds has his shirt off" kind of way). 
(Taken in Florence in 2012)